Exposing the emotional killers in modern relationships
Understanding Transactional Relationships:
Insight Into Today’s Narcissistic Patterns
There is an insidious epidemic moving through our culture. One that could easily be overlooked because it thrives in the open disguised in polite communication, romantic gestures, and the illusion of give and take. But underneath there lots of darkness: the steady dismantling of authentic connection, through what I am calling transactional relationships.
It is coercive control, repackaged.
It is narcissistic abuse, unbranded.
It is manipulation, clothed in generosity.
And it is becoming normal.
What Is A Transactional Relationship?
On the surface, transactional relationships seem clear: "I'll do something for you and you do something for me." That sounds reasonable, right? But in the context of emotionally abusive relationships, it gets weaponised.
It then becomes:
"I took you on a holiday then you owe me affection."
"I pay the bills therefore you owe me gratitude and obedience."
"I listened to you cry therefore you have to listen to me rage."
The message is clear: you are indebted.
What starts as a gesture of love quickly becomes leverage. Every kind act is turned into a receipt. Every moment of support becomes a future demand. And when you don’t comply, the cost is emotional rejection, silence, punishment.
This subtle pressure creates a dynamic where love is no longer given freely - it’s earned through compliance, submission, or sacrifice.
And when they don’t get what they want? Love is withdrawn. Affection becomes scarce. Your “debt” is silently but heavily collected.
These relationships aren't built on trust, safety, or mutual care. They’re psychological contracts with unspoken clauses and ever-changing terms. Contracts that keep you walking on eggshells, questioning your worth, and overcompensating to stay “good enough.”
In a healthy relationship, gestures are given from the heart, not the ego. In a transactional one, everything has a hidden cost. And over time, those costs add up to your confidence, your autonomy, and your emotional safety.
When Narcissism Finds a New Costume
Narcissistic personalities constantly seek power, control, and validation. In the past, their abuse was often loud, obvious, and aggressive, demanding attention, admiration, and obedience with little subtlety.
But modern narcissists have evolved. They now dress their control in charm. They speak in the language of growth, wellness, and self-awareness. They quote therapy buzzwords. They talk about "boundaries" and "communication" but only as tools to justify their behaviour and invalidate yours.
They want you to believe they are kind. Generous. Emotionally intelligent. But behind this curated image lies the same old hunger for control.
These abusers:
Don’t shout - they go silent. They withhold love, attention, or affection to punish you, making you feel like you did something wrong.
Don’t insult - they reframe your boundaries as selfish, making you second-guess your right to say no.
Don’t demand overtly - they position themselves as givers, while ensuring you feel increasingly indebted to them.
They master the art of subtle sabotage:
They give gifts that come with unspoken strings so you feel guilty, obligated, or emotionally bought.
They selectively offer affection, warmth, or approval, then suddenly withdraw it when you fail to comply, creating anxiety and confusion.
They prioritise their needs as if they're urgent emergencies while downplaying or dismissing yours as overreactions or inconveniences.
They entangle you emotionally, financially, and socially then remind you, constantly, how lost you'd be without them.
Over time, this creates a slow erosion of self-regard. You begin to doubt your worth. You feel like a burden. You start believing that love must be earned and that your pain is too inconvenient to matter.
It’s quiet. It’s calculated. And it’s deeply traumatising.
The Dangerous Normalisation of Coercive Control
Coercive control doesn’t always scream abuse. Often, it whispers. It smiles. It brings flowers after a screaming match. It pays for dinner. It says the right things - then quietly tightens the leash. Society often doesn’t recognise this as abuse because it’s wrapped in a velvet glove. It doesn’t appear controlling - it looks like love. That’s what makes it so dangerous. It’s the kind of “love” people hear about all the time.
"That's relationships - everything is a compromise."
"They just want acknowledgement."
“They’re a good provider. That’s their way of showing love.”
“Don’t make a big deal out of nothing, you've got everything - it’s just how they are.”
These comments don’t just brush past the red flags. They paint over them with pastel tones of empathy, loyalty, and obligation.
But make no mistake:
Love doesn’t come with scorecards.
Affection isn’t a reward for obedience.
Security shouldn’t cost your autonomy.
You are not a product to be bought with holidays, handbags, or hollow apologies.
When kindness becomes currency, and intimacy is used as leverage, connection starts to rot from the inside out.
In coercive dynamics, “love” becomes a contract:
You owe them sex because they were “so good to you today.”
You owe them silence because they “worked so hard to give you this life.”
You owe them forgiveness - again- because they “didn’t mean it.”
And if you say no? Suddenly, you’re:
Ungrateful
Disrespectful
Selfish
Hard work
Understand that the abuser’s affection is conditional. It’s dangled just out of reach unless you comply. And over time, you’re trained to believe that crumbs are a feast - and that your needs are a burden.
A Legal Turning Point in Narcissistic Abuse: The Sally Challen Story
One of the most landmark examples of how coercive, transactional dynamics can unfold behind closed doors is the case of Sally Challen, a British woman who was convicted of killing her husband after enduring decades of psychological abuse. Her story brought coercive control - a key tactic used by narcissistic and abusive partners - into national focus. Richard Challen’s pattern of domination included isolation, financial control, and relentless emotional manipulation, leaving Sally trapped in what many now recognise as a classic narcissistic abuse cycle. Her conviction was later reduced to manslaughter in light of this abuse, setting a powerful legal precedent.
👉 Read the story from the BBC here
Why This Matters to All of Us
You may not know someone caught in a high-profile legal battle like Sally Challen.
But you probably know someone quietly enduring the same emotional captivity.
Someone who looks like they’re “fine” but who is, in truth, surviving a relationship where love has become a transaction.
Where affection must be earned, guilt is weaponised, and safety is dependent on compliance.
This is the invisible landscape of coercive control - a form of abuse that doesn’t always scream or bruise, but one that chips away at the soul until the person inside no longer recognises themselves.
We often think abuse has to be loud - violent outbursts, police reports, restraining orders. But the truth is, the most damaging abuse is often the quietest.
It’s found in the subtle, daily recalibrations of your identity.
The pressure to manage someone else's moods.
The slow erasure of your needs, your voice, and your sense of what’s real.
You may not realise you’re in it - not at first.
Because coercive partners don’t walk in announcing their control. They arrive with charm, flattery, intensity. They mirror your hopes and wounds until you feel like you’ve found “the one.”
And then, the rules change.
You find yourself adapting - not out of growth, but out of fear.
You start walking on eggshells. Apologising for things you didn’t do. Avoiding conversations that used to feel easy. Monitoring your tone, your outfit, your friends, your inbox.
You become a version of yourself designed for survival, not authenticity.
If this is you, or someone you love, let me say this clearly:
You don’t have to perform to be loved.
You don’t have to pay for peace.
You don’t have to justify your pain.
What Real Love Looks Like
We must stop confusing intensity with intimacy.
Stop mistaking possessiveness for protection.
Stop calling control a sign of deep love.
So let’s re-set the standard. Real love is:
– Free, not earned through good behaviour.
– Generous, not measured by what you give in return.
– Safe, not calculated or conditional.
– Based on mutual respect, not silent resentment.
– Supportive of your autonomy, not threatened by your independence.
– Rooted in secure attachment, not hyper-vigilance or self-abandonment.
Real love may challenge you, but it will never diminish you.
It may stretch you, but it will never require you to betray your instincts, values, or self-worth.
And most of all, it will never ask you to prove your worth over and over again just to stay.
We Must Wake Up
The danger of these patterns isn’t just personal - it’s becoming cultural.
We’ve normalised dysfunction in the name of romance.
We’ve glamorised toxic dynamics under the guise of “passion.”
We’ve built relationship templates where suffering is seen as proof of love and silence is mistaken for maturity.
Our world will not change until we start calling things what they really are:
Abuse is not “drama.”
Control is not “strong boundaries.”
Jealousy is not “just caring too much.”
Coercion is not love.
This is your invitation to wake up - for yourself, and for the countless others still locked in relationships where their reality is questioned, their confidence eroded, and their spirit held hostage.
We aren't here to be managed, moulded, or manipulated.
We are not projects to be fixed or pawns in someone else’s emotional power play.
We are human beings - worthy of respect, freedom, and unconditional love.
So let this be your final reminder:
You don’t have to prove anything to be loved.
You just have to be you - fully, freely, and without apology.
Rebecca P. Fox
Psychotherapist | Educator | Author | Survivor
Helping thousands to break toxic cycles and experience real love once more.
