The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

"Do I need a therapist or a coach?"

It's one of the most common questions I'm asked, but honestly, I think most people are asking the wrong question. Before you can decide whether therapy or coaching is right for you, you first need to understand what problem you're actually trying to solve.

The reality is that therapy and coaching are not the same thing. Both can be incredibly valuable, but choosing the wrong approach can leave you feeling frustrated, stuck, and wondering why you're not making the progress you hoped for. Over the years, I've seen people spend thousands working with coaches when what they really needed was therapy, and I've also seen people spend years in therapy when coaching would have been the better fit. So let's clear up the confusion and explore the key differences between the two.

So what does a coach actually do?

A coach is generally focused on:

• Where you are now
• Where you want to be
• What is stopping you from getting there
• The actions required to close that gap

Think of coaching as future-focused.

A good coach helps you:

• Set goals
• Create accountability
• Improve performance
• Develop new habits
• Build confidence
• Increase motivation
• Improve communication
• Create momentum

The coaching conversation is often centred around:

"What do you want?"

"What's the next step?"

"How do we move you forward?"

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, coaching can be transformational.

But there is a catch……

The BIG problem with coaching

Sometimes the thing preventing someone from reaching their goals isn't a lack of strategy, motivation, or discipline. Sometimes it's unresolved pain. Trauma. Conditioning. Old beliefs. Emotional wounds. Fear. The challenge is that many psychological struggles can masquerade as performance issues. For example, someone might hire a coach because they lack confidence, but confidence isn't always the real problem. Sometimes confidence is simply the symptom of something much deeper. The root cause may be:

• Childhood rejection
• Emotional neglect
• Bullying
• Abuse
• Toxic relationships
• Attachment wounds

No amount of goal setting will heal those experiences. No accountability chart can resolve trauma, and no motivational quote can repair a nervous system that has spent years operating in survival mode. This is where therapy becomes essential, because rather than focusing on the symptom, it helps uncover and heal the root cause that's driving it.

So what does a therapist actually do?

Unlike coaching, therapy is often focused on understanding the deeper reasons behind your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. It takes you back so that you can explore:

• Why you think the way you do
• Why you feel the way you do
• Why certain patterns keep repeating in your life

Rather than immediately asking, "How do we move forward?" a therapist will first look into, "What happened?" Because very often, the present only starts to make sense when we understand the experiences that shaped it. Therapy helps people uncover and heal the roots of their struggles, rather than simply managing the symptoms that those struggles create.

Here’s the truth! Anxiety isn't usually the problem

This is something I spend a lot of time explaining to clients because it's one of the biggest misconceptions I see when it comes to mental health and personal growth.

Anxiety is not always the problem. Very often, anxiety is the messenger.

Think about it for a moment. If someone comes to me feeling anxious, there are countless techniques that can help them manage those feelings in the moment:

• Breathing techniques
• Grounding exercises
• Meditation
• Visualisation
• Journaling

And to be clear, these tools can be incredibly valuable. They can help calm the nervous system, reduce overwhelm, and create a sense of stability when emotions feel intense.

But what happens if the anxiety keeps coming back?

What happens when someone has learnt every breathing exercise under the sun, downloaded every mindfulness app, and can recite grounding techniques in their sleep, yet still feels anxious?

That's usually when we need to look a little deeper. Because anxiety is often the symptom of something else that hasn't yet been resolved.

It may be rooted in:

• Childhood trauma
• Emotional abuse
• Fear of abandonment
• Complex PTSD
• A lifetime of walking on eggshells

For example, imagine a child growing up in a home where conflict was unpredictable. They never knew when someone was going to explode, withdraw, criticise, or become emotionally unavailable. Over time, their nervous system learns to stay on high alert, constantly scanning for danger.

Fast forward twenty years, and that same person may describe themselves as "an anxious person." But are they really? Or is their nervous system simply doing exactly what it was trained to do? This is why I often say that anxiety isn't always the problem - it's the alarm system. It's your mind and body signalling that something deeper needs attention. If we never take the time to understand and address those underlying experiences, we're essentially helping someone manage the smoke while ignoring the fire that's creating it.

The same principle applies to many of the struggles people seek help for.

Things like:

• Depression
• Sleeping difficulties
• Emotional eating
• Low self-esteem
• Panic attacks
• Relationship difficulties

Whilst these experiences are very real and often incredibly distressing, they're frequently symptoms rather than standalone problems. In many cases, they're your mind and body trying to communicate something important. Your nervous system is saying:

"I'm overwhelmed."
"I don't feel safe."
"I'm carrying something I haven't processed."
"I've learnt beliefs about myself that no longer serve me."

This is why I'm always interested in understanding what's underneath the symptom.

Because the question isn't always:

"How do I stop feeling anxious?"

Often, the more important question is:

"Why is my nervous system anxious in the first place?"

When we understand and heal the root cause, something remarkable often happens.

The symptom no longer has a reason to shout quite so loudly!

And whilst coping strategies still have their place, many people find they need them far less because they're no longer spending every day fighting a battle they don't fully understand.

The Ugly Truth: Not all therapists and coaches are created equal

This is probably the part that makes some people uncomfortable, but it needs to be said.

Not all therapists are good therapists.
And not all coaches are good coaches.

Just because someone has qualifications, credentials, or a wall full of certificates doesn't automatically mean they're amazing and will be the right person to help you.

Over the years, I've met some truly exceptional therapists and coaches who have transformed lives. I've also met people with impressive qualifications who I wouldn't send a client to in a million years.

Because qualifications and competence aren't always the same thing.

Sometimes you'll meet someone who has all the training in the world but lacks the passion, curiosity, or genuine desire to help people. Sometimes you'll meet someone who is technically qualified but lacks confidence in their own abilities. Sometimes life has hit them hard, and for whatever reason they're simply not able to be fully present for the person sitting opposite them. Some don't maintain clear professional boundaries, blurring the therapeutic relationship in ways that can leave clients feeling unsafe or unsure of where they stand. And sometimes you'll meet practitioners who become so focused on following a model, theory, or framework that they forget there's an actual human being sitting in front of them.

The reality is that therapists and coaches are human too. We're not robots. We're not immune from stress, challenges, burnout, or difficult periods in our own lives. And whilst the vast majority genuinely want to help, not every practitioner will be the right fit for every client.

Unfortunately, this is often what gives both therapy and coaching a bad reputation.

Someone has one poor experience and concludes:

"Therapy doesn't work."
"Coaching is a waste of money."

When the truth is usually much simpler. They just hadn't found the right person yet.

There are challenges on both sides of the fence.

The coaching industry, for example, is largely unregulated. This means almost anyone can wake up tomorrow and call themselves a coach. Whilst there are some phenomenal coaches doing life-changing work, there are also people working with clients carrying significant trauma without having the training to recognise what they're actually dealing with.

As a result, the focus often shifts towards:

• Mindset
• Motivation
• Productivity
• Positive thinking

Now don't get me wrong, all of these things have value. But if the real issue is childhood trauma, attachment wounds, emotional neglect, abuse, or years spent living in survival mode, these approaches can only take someone so far.

And when the client doesn't improve?

They often blame themselves. They convince themselves they're not trying hard enough, not disciplined enough, or not committed enough. And sometimes, even more concerningly, that belief is reinforced by the coach, shifting the responsibility back onto the client rather than exploring whether the approach itself is addressing the real issue.

When in reality, they’re likely trying to build a house on a cracked foundation.

You can have the best strategy, the strongest work ethic, and all the motivation in the world, but until that foundation is repaired, those cracks will continue to show up in every area of life.

And before the therapists start celebrating, let's be honest about therapy too.

Because therapy isn't perfect either!

I've worked with clients who have spent years in therapy and felt no better than they did when they first started. Not because therapy doesn't work, but because not all therapy is created equal.

Some therapists become so focused on analysing the past that they never help clients build a future. Some unintentionally create dependency, where the client feels they need therapy rather than using it as a tool to eventually stand confidently on their own. Others become overly passive, offering empathy and understanding but very little direction. Some practitioners can unintentionally allow their own unresolved experiences to influence the therapeutic relationship, shifting the focus away from the client and their needs. When this happens, therapy can feel unsafe, unhelpful, and ultimately ineffective.

And some forget a fundamental truth: Insight alone doesn't create change!

Understanding why you think, feel, and behave the way you do can be incredibly powerful. But knowledge by itself isn't enough. You can understand every chapter of your story, every childhood wound, every relationship pattern, and every reason behind your struggles. But unless that understanding is translated into action, very little changes.

At some point, healing requires more than awareness. It requires doing something different with what you've learned.

Please do your due diligence

This is something I tell people all the time. The good news is that we're living in a fantastic time to find the right support because so many therapists and coaches now share content online, create videos, write blogs, and livestream. This gives you the opportunity to really get a feel for who they are before you ever commit to working with them. You can see how they communicate, what they believe, how they approach problems, and whether their personality and style resonate with you.

So don't just hire the first therapist or coach you come across.

• Ask questions
• Read their content
• Watch their videos
• Understand their approach

Most importantly, ask yourself: Do they genuinely understand the problem I'm facing?

Because there's a huge difference between someone who understands anxiety in theory and someone who specialises in helping people overcome it. The same applies to:

• Childhood trauma
• Narcissistic abuse
• Relationship difficulties
• Eating disorders
• Depression
• PTSD
• Co-parenting challenges

The truth is, specialisation matters. Experience matters. Results matter. Whilst there are many fantastic general practitioners out there, if you're struggling with something particularly complex or specific, there is enormous value in finding someone who has dedicated their career to understanding that exact issue. The more closely a professional's expertise aligns with your struggles, the more likely they are to understand not only what you're going through, but also the most effective way to help you move forward.

TOP TIP coming up!

Find A Specialist, Not A Generalist!

One of my favourite sayings is:

Don't look for a jack of all trades and a master of none.

Look for someone who specialises in the problem you're trying to solve.

If you had a serious heart condition, you wouldn't choose a doctor who spends most of their time treating broken ankles. You'd want a cardiac specialist - someone who understands your condition inside and out, has seen it hundreds of times before, and knows exactly what tends to help.

Mental health and personal development are no different.

The closer someone's expertise is to your specific struggle, the more likely they are to understand:

• What you're going through
• Why it's happening
• What tends to work
• What tends not to work

And ultimately, how to help you move forward.

This is especially important when it comes to complex issues such as trauma, narcissistic abuse, attachment wounds, eating disorders, or high-conflict co-parenting. These aren't challenges that are always solved with generic advice or a one-size-fits-all approach. They often require a deeper level of understanding, experience, and specialist knowledge.

The common question people ask: “So which type of therapy should I have?”

It's worth noting that whilst there are many different therapeutic approaches available, such as CBT, EMDR, DBT, Psychodynamic Therapy, Person-Centred Therapy, and Somatic approaches, the same principle still applies: the therapist is often more important than the technique. Different modalities work better for different people, and no single approach is right for everyone. I've seen clients achieve incredible results with a method that another client found completely unhelpful. This is why I always encourage people to focus less on finding the "perfect" therapy and more on finding the right therapist - someone who genuinely understands the problem you're facing.

So which one do you need?

The answer depends on what's driving your struggles. If you're psychologically healthy and simply want to:

• Grow
• Improve performance
• Build confidence
• Develop skills
• Reach goals

Coaching may be exactly what you need.

But if you're experiencing:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Emotional dysregulation
• Repeating relationship patterns
• Trauma symptoms
• Low self-worth
• Attachment issues

Then therapy is often the better place to start. Because before you can build confidence, create healthy relationships, pursue meaningful goals, or step into the life you want, you need a solid foundation beneath you. Healing helps create that foundation. It allows you to address the wounds, beliefs, and patterns that may be quietly influencing your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. And foundations really matter!

Why I chose to train in both

Because after nearly a decade of helping people heal from toxic relationships, trauma, and childhood wounds, I realised something important: healing alone wasn't always enough. People would do the deep work. Their anxiety would reduce, their confidence would grow, and their relationships would become healthier and more fulfilling. They'd finally begin to feel like themselves again. But then a new question would emerge:

"What now?"

And that's where coaching becomes incredibly powerful.

For me, it's a bit like building a house. Therapy helps create the foundations and strengthen the structure. It repairs the cracks, stabilises the ground beneath you, and builds strong walls that can withstand life's challenges. But once the foundations are secure and the structure is standing, there are still final pieces to complete. The habits need reinforcing. The confidence needs practising. The goals need pursuing. The roof needs putting on.

That's where coaching comes in. It's the stage where everything you've healed and rebuilt starts being applied to real life, helping you create lasting change until those new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving become your new normal.

If you want to know about me and my story click here

Rebecca

Psychotherapist | Educator | Author